Teenage Mutant HalfDemon Homunculi
by Alexandra The Not-So-Great
Summary: Ever wonder what it would be like if the people you went to school with were the homunculi from FMA? If so, it would probably be something like this...*WARNING: Drug references and insanity*
1. Introduction to Insanity

Author's note before reading: Hi there everyone! As you probably already know from the description this is a tale of what it would be like if the people I went to school with became homunculi. Who represents which homunculus is listed below for convenience. If you didn't go to school with me and have no idea who any of these people are, never fear! You can still enjoy this story at face-value or you can imagine some of your own friends as being the homunculi-actually it's probably funnier that way...

Lust—Alex

Gluttony—Daniel

Envy—Geoff

Greed—John

Sloth—Kelly/Raquel

Pride—Miranda

Wrath—Crystal

"EN-VE!"

"Wrath? What did Envy do now?"

"Lust, that sonofabitch STOLE MY MINI-SKIRT!"

Envy comes prancing in wearing said mini-skirt and a black tank-top…and nothing else. "Hey you guys; look at me~! Oh~ I feel pretty, Oh so pretty~ I feel pretty, and witty, and gay~ !" Lust sighed, "Envy's high again, no wonder." Wrath squealed, "Eew! That's nasty! Damnit, give that back!" she lunged at Envy but Envy was doing some weird dance that involved him spreading his legs, putting his hands on his knees, and shaking his ass: unfortunately, she was in the perfect position to view a particularly choice part of Envy's anatomy—which made her even angrier than before. "Rrrr—OD DAMN YOU! Aah!" she yelled, then ran after the erratically dancing Envy, knocking over almost everything in her path.

As soon as Wrath left the room (via stage left) Pride came in (via opposite direction). "Wrath's at it again? At this rate, there won't be anything left of the place" she said. Lust only sighed and crossed her arms, walking off while saying, "'Lust the scheamer', 'Lust the peacekeeper', I'm so sick of being the group-proclaimed boss, but it seems I'm the only one who's brain hasn't gone to pot since becoming a homunculus. For all I care Wrath could blow this place to Kingdom-come." This deeply offended Pride whom crossed her own arms and glared contemptuously at Lust's disappearing figure while thinking 'My brain hasn't gone to pot! …it was already that way' before storming off to her room to sulk for her injured namesake.

_Meanwhile…_

Wrath had cornered Envy in the spiral stairwell leaving him with only one option of escape: Greed's room. Envy was no longer high and even though he liked fighting, he knew Greed didn't like being disturbed and would most likely side with Wrath in kicking Envy-ass if there was a commotion outside his door. "Good Wrath, nice Wrath," coaxed Envy while removing the mini-skirt, "easy girl" shakily handing it over. Wrath had been glaring holes in his head, she only looked down when he handed it over and that's when she noticed—he hadn't been wearing any underwear. Wrath twitched, 'He was wearing MY MINI-SKIRT with NOTHING UNDER IT?' Wrath narrowed her eyes. Oh yeah, Envy was gonna die.


	2. Enter Greed

Chapter 2—Enter Greed

Wrath pounced on Envy, knocking him back against Greed's door, however, the door gave and both Wrath and Envy fell back onto the floor…landing in a rather 'compromising' position. Poor Wrath jerked her head from side to side searching for Greed and his haughty laugh, but in the place where Greed normally was (on his bed)—Gluttony was sitting. Wrath just blinked and stared; this was queer. Then Gluttony burped and it dawned on Wrath what had happened; 'he ate Greed!' She and Envy got off the floor—Wrath ran to Gluttony, Envy walked—then proceeded to throttle the sin of hunger. "How could you eat him Gluttony? He was one of us!" shouted Wrath, still throttling him. Envy just stared. "Lust is gonna be piiisssed when she finds out Gluttony's eaten her favorite play-toy." Wrath stopped throttling Gluttony, turned to Envy, and with a pissed look in her eyes corrected him, "Greed is not Lust's 'play-thing'." "That's not what he said," Envy chimed with an evil 'Envy-smirk'. Wrath turned back to Gluttony then shouted at his stomach, "You better get your ass out here, Greed—I got a bone to pick with you!" turning back to Envy she said, "Watch him while I get Lust," then left. Envy cooed evilly to Gluttony, "That's a good boy. Now, if we can just get Wrath and Pride out of the picture…" before leaving as well.

Downstairs…

Wrath dashed down the stairs, nearly running over Lust coming out of the living room. Lust wiped something white from the corner of her mouth and was about to say 'hi' to Wrath when Greed's voice floated from the living room: "Mm, thanks Lust, we should do this more often." "Don't mention it," she said to him, then to Wrath, "Care to join us?" Lust took Wrath's shocked look as a yes and walked into the kitchen. Wrath peaked into the living room to see a pleased looking Greed seated on the couch. 'So Gluttony didn't eat him? That…smug…bastard!' Wrath pounced Greed and literally bit his head off just as Lust was re-entering the room holding three glasses of milk with a sheet of cookies balanced on top. "What did he do this time?" "He—you—but—you were _eating cookies_?" Wrath looked back at Greed's headless body, "…it'll grow back in a few minutes." Lust just smiled and placed the milk and cookies on the coffee table. "You're funny Wrath. Real funny…Oh look; he's moving."


	3. Homunculi Wars

Author's Note: _KingofHeartless'09_ Thank you very much for the review! Questions, comments, constructive criticism, whathaveyou are welcome.

Also, if it was hard to tell from the title, the parody starts here. Now, on to the chapter!

Chapter 3—Homunculi Wars

"That hurt. What'd you do that for?" (after Greed's head grew back). Wrath just stared at Greed with her signature pissed look, "Lust's cookies…your hand…cookie jar," her eye twitched.

"Yeah, they were good."

"Thinking about fondeling her cupcakes?"

"Mm, those were good t—Oh! Oh! Oh! Wait! That's not what I mea—" Wrath bit off his head once again. After Greed's head grew back once more Lust said, "They're not my cookies; it's Sloth's recipe…and Pride made them so you should thank her." Greed and Wrath double-blinked. "You mean…they weren't even yours?" Lust sat on the couch, picking up a cookie, "'Course not. Remember what happened the last time I tried to cook something?" Wrath and Greed sat on the floor, transfixed, already knowing the story, but wanting to hear it again anyway.

_Flashback~_

_Long long ago in a galaxy on the other side of the gate…_

_The second eldest homunculus created an evil empire bent on domination of all homunculi. With his minions Count Sloth and Lord Gluttony, and his right-hand sith-lord(ess) Darth Tader, Emperor Envy plotted against the last of the confederation—the tied (with Gluttony) 3__rd__ eldst, Greed. Soon another came into the world of homunculi: number six, Lust, whom joined forces with Greed. And now, the confederation numbers 3 with a new homunculus, a new hope, a new…Wrath._

This entire mess had started just after Wrath was born. In him attempts to undermine the confederation, Emperor Envy had the sugar in the pantry (cabinet) switched with powdered cocaine and heroin. Wrath had been in a foul mood since discovering she had died (how will not be explained in this chapter but later on in the story it will be—in great detail) so Lust thought she would make some cookies to cheer her up. Unfortunately, Lust burnt the cookies (due to her lack of culinary skill) rendering them inedible to all except Gluttony. So she left them on the table and walked away in shame.

Not too much later, envy entered the kitchen and ate the first thing he found: the cookies. Now, when baking the cookies Lust had put in some "sugar" from the cabinet, which—unbeknownst to her—wasn't really sugar at all. Envy had eaten most of the cookies by the time Gluttony came in, so when they were done chowing down Gluttony wasn't as high as Envy, though, both of them being high at the same time was still a very bad thing.

So, with Envy being high he ventured into Wrath's room, took a pair of panties, stuck them on his head, and proceeded to dance in his new "dancing costume" with the pink elephants. Gluttony came in during the 'waltz de elephant rose' and ate them, but due to their size, he was only able to eat half of one in one bite and as soon as he bit them they split in half. Gluttony was so happy (/full) that he burped to the tune of "Ode to Joy" (not that Gluttony knows the tune in Ode to Joy anyway).

Some time after the festivities began, Wrath came back from her brief hiatus in the basement (namely the torture chamber) to see…Gluttony burping a familiar tune standing beside her half-eaten bed with the king of jealousy marauding around and her panties on his head. Wrath freaked. Lust heard her screaming so she came next door (from her room) to make sure everything was ok. Half Wrath's bed was gone, her tv was broken, the closet door was only hanging on by a single hinge, Wrath herself was laying on the floor regenerating her left arm (Gluttony had eaten it), the middle drawer of her dresser was half on the floor half still in the dresser, lingerie lay strewn everywhere, and Envy was perched on top of the dresser howling like a pregnant cat. "Retreat!" shouted Lust as she dragged Wrath out of the room. "Nono my padawan, you must have more training before you fight the Empire!" Lust scolded. "Then train me—now," Wrath demanded. "Use the force," said Lust in a creepy hollow voice.

"'The force'? What's that?"

"The stone is the guiding power of the universe; all homunculi can use it, some, more than others."

"Stone? But you just said 'the force'!"

"The stone is the force." Wrath thought about this for a minute. "How do you use the force?" "Like this," Lust said, turning her fingers into spears 3ft long each. 'Whoa…I wanna do that!' Wrath focused on her hand but nothing happened, so she being the homunculus of anger invoked her own name, after which it took no one knows how long to calm her down. "Each homunculus has a different form of the force that they can use. For me, it's turning my fingers into knives. Gluttony can devour tall buildings in a single bound (when he actually uses the force which isn't very often because the stone grows weak within him). Envy can shape-shift, but when he uses the stones' true power he takes the shape of his real form, which none of us have ever seen. Greed raises a shield hard as diamonds that covers his entire body (in this state he has claws too). Sloth can become partially or completely liquid. Pride uses her ultimate eye to see through walls, though a full-usage of her powers lets her see into people's souls (homunculi don't have souls so she would really be seeing into… their minds?). And you, well Wrath, that's what we're trying to figure out."

After that, Lust gave Wrath a long and detailed explanation of how to access the force which could have been explained in 4 simple words, "Concentrate on the stone." Now Wrath focused on her hand again—following Lust's instructions this time—and she did it; her fingers turned into spears 3ft long too. "Yay! I did it! I—" Wrath stopped. "My voice-," she looked down, "damn, I've got some big knockers...wai-," she ran to look in the nearest mirror, "Holy Shit!—I'm Lust!" Lust appeared over Wrath's shoulder, "I don't think mine are _that_ big, but nice job on the face." Wrath turned back into herself. "So I have Envy's power," she said with disappointment. "Not just Envy's power; you have mine as well, as well as all the other homunculi's powers," Lust told her and smiled, "Now you must visit master Greed to hone your abilities." Although, upon visiting Greed all he had to offer was, "Of the force, a dark side there is. By its power, tempted, do not be. Careful you must. Talking like this is getting annoying just leave already, damn…" And so Wrath left to…GET READY FOR ROUND 2!


	4. The Envy Strikes Back

Author's Note: Thank you KingofHeartless'09 for your comments! I'm glad someone likes this. Other people reading this, please leave comments too! Comments are like food for authors. Feed the authors!

Chapter 4—The Envy Strikes Back

_Still long long ago in a galaxy not so far away… Greed actually gave Wrath some training (though, in the end Wrath ended up schoolin' him more than he schooled her). Envy stopped being high though Lord Gluttony remains scared for life, and for the first time Darth Tater has been called upon to put an end to the "resistance"…maybe…_

Not too much later Wrath, Greed, and Holi Mai Cramolie (Lust) came back down to the 2nd floor (which, due to their evacuation to Greed's room on the 4th floor, had been taken over by the Envy, er empire…). "As far as I can go this is. Alone, fight you must. Win, you will," Greed told them. "But where are you going?" asked Wrath. "Hide I must, and save my own ass. Tootles!" and with that Greed disappeared up the stairs. "Why that chicken-shit son-of-a-bitch!" Wrath yelled. Lust lightly touched Wrath's shoulder, "Now, now, you know what they say 'Cowardice is the better part of valor'." "Well they can take their cowardice and shove it up their valor!" Wrath mumbled bitterly. "We'll need a plan: I'll distract Lord Gluttony while you take care of Count Sloth—" but Lust was cut off by Wrath: "Since when were you the leader?" There was an awkward silence. "Then you come up with a plan," Lust gestured. Wrath thought, "How about we just stick with your plan?"

"Ok"

"Uh, how're we gonna find them?" Wrath asked, then, almost as if on cue, Lord Gluttony burst forth from Wrath's room with Count Sloth dragging behind. Lord Gluttony lunged at Lust who deftly evaded his attack and after gaining his attention, fled down the stairwell.

When Gluttony came down the stairs, he saw Lust vanish into the kitchen, so naturally he followed. But the kitchen was his weakness and Lust had something special with his name on it. His mouth watered; she smiled coldly. That smile, the smile of a heartless dead girl, gave a feeling doubled by steely maroonish-red eyes containing cat-like pupils. He came closer and was about to put his hand inside, when she popped his wrist. "No Gluttony, you don't play with your food." He whimpered and looked upon the object of his desire with sad eyes. With the same hand she'd used to pop him, she gently grabbed his wrist then leaned in near his face, "…but I'm not food Gluttony." He looked at her with a blank face, at first. As his understanding spread his look became one of eager content. She took the cake out of the basket she had been holding and held it out to him, watching as he greedily devoured it, knowing "play" would come later. And thus was how Gluttony became Lust's pet.

Upstairs Wrath and Sloth were having it out…sort-of. Sloth, staying true to her name, was sitting on the hallway couch, only moving (just her arm: turning it into water and flinging it) when Wrath tried to enter her room. Sloth inevitably became bored and decided that was too bothersome, so she became a puddle of water seeping along the floor into her own room.

At this time Lust and Gluttony came back up the stairwell. "Time to invade their stronghold. Move out!" Lust directed while, for some odd reason, positioning like she was holding a bazooka. Suddenly Pride, er, Darth Tater appeared in front of Wrath's bedroom door. "YOU. SHALL NOT. PASS!" she yelled. "Wrong trilogy," Wrath commented with a bored look on her face. "Oh yeah," replied Pride. "Step aside, you 'tater hater!" Wrath demanded. "Do not command me!—I have defeated your teacher Greed!" Darth Tater announced victoriously. "Wrath, go face Envy. I shall take care of this." Wrath hesitated, but did as Lust asked anyway.

When Wrath was well out of earshot… "Holi Mai Cramolie…My old master…so we meet again."

"Darth Tater, now we must engage in a short and horrendously fake battle, during which, one of us shall ambiguously die but first we must have a long and ridiculous banter about something completely irrelevant; tell me, how did you defeat Master Greed?"

"With my Ultimate Eye I created the illusion of you and Wrath taking off each other's clothes off.

*mini-flashback: Greed is watching Lust and Wrath [illusions] take each other's clothes off and start kissing one another. "Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh YEAH!...wait, oh no! Lesbians; my weakness! Must…resist…can't –fight back," Greed had moaned then fell to his knees. Pride appeared behind him, grinning, ran a sword through the ouroboros tattoo on the back of his hand, decapitated him with her other sword, and left with the grin still on her face.*

But Greed was a weakling. Come, when we fought long ago you defeated me, let us see who is stronger now."

"I warn you, Tater, you cannot defeat me. The Dark Side has clouded your skills and your heart," Lust told her. "We are homunculi. We have no heart," Pride bitterly corrected, "besides, the Dark Side has yaoi, but enough about that. Now we fight." She narrowed her eyes (one—the right—an odd shade of light-indigo, the other—the left—having no pupil or iris, only white with a red ouroboros symbol where the aforementioned should be) and drew 2 of her 4 swords.

_With Wrath…_

Wrath had entered her room to the sight of…no Envy. She checked the closet, under (what was left of) her bed, even in the dresser drawers—there was no Envy. She didn't get it. This confused her and because of her confusion she became angry. This was Envy's way of making fun of her, poking fun at her stupidity (but that's only what she thought). She left her room, as soon as she opened the door she saw Lust retract her pike-fingers, hold her arms out side-ways in an inviting gesture, and be cut in half by Darth Tater.

Wrath was stunned. Darth Tater toed Lust's clothes surprised/confused to find that Lust was no longer in them. "NO~!" Wrath cried out as Pride replaced her swords. "You—you ki-i-i-illed her..!"

"Going to do something about it then?" Pride's melancholy gaze switched from Lust's clothes to Wrath. Wrath's face was dark, the air around her seemed to sag under the weight of an evil aura, one which could only be coming from her. This was the embodiment—the epitome—of anger. Her entire right arm transformed into a spiked saw-like blade as terrifying as it was ornate. Such a sight would have scared any ordinary swordsman shitless yet Pride kept her cool. So confident in her abilities was she that only one of her three remaining swords (the fourth sword was still stuck in Greed's hand) was drawn. Wrath leapt in with a sideswiping motion. She would have been a truly fearsome adversary (and Pride would have been in some deep mess) had she known how to wield a sword, but as it were Wrath only had mad skills in the martial arts department, was a novice when it came to weapons—compared to Pride who could pØwn anyone with a single sword. It didn't help matters any that she [Pride] was so freaking fast, either. Pride simply slid away from Wrath's initial attack then cut off her arm.

"You killed my best friend!"

"Wrath, I am your best friend's (other) best friend."

"No~!" Pause. Brightly, "Let's cut all this melodrama and go get sushi or something!"

Pride shrugged. "Ok."


	5. Return of the hentai

Author's Note: Ok folks! The flashback ends in this chapter. Also, this is all there is to the story, but I may write more if people ask me to. Honestly, I thought no one would read it, but it's turned out to be quite popular from all the traffic it's getting, lol. Additionally, I have enabled anonymous comments, so there is no reason why you shouldn't comment if you are reading this, even if it's something like, "that made me lol" , "this is stupid" , or "ur grammar sux", speaking of which... remember to feed the authors! Authors is people too.

Chapter 5—Return of the hentai

_Not so long ago but still on the other side of the gate…Pride and Wrath went an' got sushi then brought it back to the living room where they were joined by Lust, Envy, and Greed (whom was released by Envy). And because Envy is Envy, he brought beer…_

Lust wasn't actually killed by Pride: she merely jumped out of her clothes and hit the ceiling—where she stuck…until Greed came by and (after much staring and snickering) helped untangle her from the giant spider-web. "Pride didn't kill you?" –Wrath. "No," said Lust. "So our fight was was…meaningless?"

"No," said Lust again, "there was a lesson."

"What was it?"

Lust and Pride: "Don't mess with Pride." Silence.

Wrath falsely smiled (which, because of her sharp teeth, looked like Death itself was patiently waiting for an opportunity while smiling in the meantime), "I'm sorry Pride, did you say something?" Pride would have cried twin waterfalls if it weren't for Lust intervening, "OK! Now back to negotiating." "I'll stop being an evil psychopath working for Envy if you promise never to cook again," mused Pride. "Deal."

All looked at Envy who was now drunk. [He sounded like the gerbil off Joe Cartoon's 'Gerbil Bar'], "I love you man; I love you~," he said, holding out his arms to Greed trying to get close enough to kiss him. "Stay the fuck away from me!" yelled Greed, obviously paranoid. Lust sighed. She'd had enough. Negotiations were over so she left. Besides, somebody had to make sure Gluttony wasn't eating the house—it was a little too quiet.

Things continued as they were in the living room: Envy was still trying to kiss Greed, Greed was trying to get away, Wrath was exacting her revenge (for the lesbian thing) on Greed by holding him in place so Envy could kiss him, and Pride was nearly about to laugh her butt off—until they all heard strange noises coming from under the staircase, where Gluttony's room was. Pride went upstairs to evacuate Sloth in case anything were to happen (since Sloth's room is directly above Gluttony's), whilst Greed and Wrath went to see what was going on (and leaving an incoherent Envy in the living room).

First Wrath and Greed pressed their ears against the door under the stairs. Muffled noises floated out; of something going 'squish', bed springs squeaking, and Lust's lusty 'H-h-h-h-h' almost-laugh. They opened the door slowly and crept under the stairs (it was a tight fit) then listened again. This time the noises were louder; a definite continuing 'squish' that sounded wet and heavy, an occasional squeak of the bed-springs, accompanied by Lust's "yes~" "mm" or her Lustful chuckleish-laugh. Now the door flew open as Wrath and Greed sprang in to see… LUST AND GLUTTONY NOT HAVING SEX! Instead, Gluttony was sitting on his bed eating cake, with Lust standing at the foot of the bed holding a basket containing more cake.

"You can do it~ you can do it all~ night~ long~" piped up the now coherent Envy behind Wrath and Greed. He looked around, everyone except Gluttony was staring at him, blinked, then slowly ducked out of sight behind Greed. "What the hell man? !" exclaimed Greed. "It's the signing of the treaty," Lust explained, "want to join?" They all sat down in Gluttony's room eating cake.

_End Flashback~_

By this time, everyone except Gluttony and Envy were sitting in the living room eating cookies. "Ah, that was a good story Lust," Greed sighed. "It wasn't a story; it was a flashback idiot," Wrath snapped. "Fine, have it your way."

"Hey! This ain't Burger King, people!" Sloth yelled then whapped Greed upside the head after turning her arm into liquid. Envy slinked into the living room throwing his hands up, "How about we roast marshmallows and sing 'Kumbaya'. Come on everybody," he grasped Sloth and Pride by the shoulders, "Sing it with me!~ Kum~ba-ya~ my Lord~…" "No~!" everyone shouted while grasping their ears. Envy sang on in his out-of-tune craziness.


End file.
